Growing Weary

I have been blogging about Katrina since November and have even gone so far as to create virtual tours to show how life has changed not only in my hometown but in all the coastal cities. This morning I realized that while I have been tirelessly "reporting" all these things that I have again been neglecting myself.

I am one of those people that no matter how much I am slighted or what may happen to me I stifle my emotions and thus a normal reaction to bad situations usually never comes to the surface. I internalize. Because of the losses that people suffered from the hurricane, I felt that somehow I would demean their circumstances if I talked about my needs.

My needs do not stem from the hurricane. They began over six years ago when I lost my husband. He was pronounced cured in 1995 from Non Hodgkins Lymphoma after a four year battle fighting the disease. We went back to work at the office and by all appearances everything seemed normal. But you see it wasn't for me. I had to be his support and remain staunch to not show fear that the cancer would return. True, non hodgkins did not return but in September 1999 a massive inoperable brain tumor did. He died in December 1999. If I had followed my own emotions I would have cried and cried but for another I stayed seemingly calm and capable.

As I looked back on what I wrote, I saw a clear pattern of what I have been doing for most of my life. I have been more concerned with other's lives than my own. Not saying that it is wrong to care but sometimes it has been to my detriment. This morning I realized that I don't want to talk about Katrina anymore. I have again been fretting over the problems of all the people that have been hurt by this storm and overlooking my needs. If I continue writing, the subject will be more uplifting and reflect who I am. MY life!

Although in the last 7 months my life has become more difficult, there is also much that I enjoy ....... with the exception of cleaning raingutters. Someone jokingly said to me that after retirement all the aggravating things were lessened and he relaxes and watches the grass grow. Strangely .... to jump on my riding lawnmower is one of my pleasures!

I have four daughters and 12 grandchildren so choosing a new subject won't be difficult.